FIC: Extracurricular 4: The Miriam Webster Edition (Unabridged)

[ivyblossom]

Title: Extracurricular 4: The Miriam Webster Edition (Unabridged)
Rating: PG
Pairing: Harry/Draco
Summary: Harry and Draco's child is born, and a strange new prophecy is revealed about her fate...
A/N: Okay, no beta, I'm not sure it's really all that funny, but oh well. Here it is anyway. Written with starbuckle and annelarissa in mind, because they came here and talked fandom with me, and also bonibaru, who has been having a crappy time lately and I wanted her to laugh. So I wrote her exactly the kind of fic she hates most: babyfic! Thanks to luciusmalfoy for being a yeswoman. *fux*

Extracurricular: The Miriam Webster Edition

"Did you steal all the pillows out of the bedroom?" Harry asked. "Did Mimi hide them again? I can't find any of them."

"So," Draco Malfoy drawled into Harry Potter's ear, "Where will it be tonight? The Astronomy Tower, or the Room of Requirement?"

"Did you find a sitter?"

"Of course!" Draco wrapped his arms around Harry's waist. "Trust me!"

"Not Pansy again."

"What's wrong with Pansy?"

"I think she's trying to teach Mimi to kill us."

"What, just because of that Avada Kedavra play set Pansy bought her? I thought that was very thoughtful."

"She hardly needs a quart of Basilisk venom, she's only eleven months old," Harry sighed. "And I'm not sure that play wand Pansy brought over the other day isn't jinxed, either. Ron still can't feel his left side."

"Shoddy workmanship, then. Only doing half the job! I should write a letter to the manufacturer."

"Ba!" said Miriam Webster, banging a plastic broom against the floor.

"Ba ba ba!" Draco cooed back. "Get me your invisibility cloak, will you? I want to play peek-a-boo."

"Da da!" said Miriam Webster.

Draco shrieked. "SHE CALLED ME DA DA!"

"Technically," Harry mused, "you're actually her ma ma, don't you think?"

"Da da! Come on Mimi, say it again! Da da!"

"Da da!" said Miriam Webster. Draco clapped, and so did Miriam Webster.

"Possibly she's just showing an early inclination towards Defense Against the Dark Arts," said Harry thoughtfully.

"Bite your tongue. You're just jealous." Draco pulled up Miriam Webster's shirt and zerberted her belly.

"Ma ma!" said Miriam Webster, laughing.

"Ah, there we go." Harry picked up his invisibility cloak and dropped it over Draco. Miriam Webster looked shocked, blinked, and then started to cry.

"MA MA!"

"She missed me," Draco said, pulling the cloak off and making a funny face. "It's okay, Mimi, here I am!"

"MA MAAAAAAAAA!" cried Miriam Webster, holding out her arms. Draco picked her up and held her close.

"There there, Mimi. Ma ma is right here."

"Seriously, have you seen all the pillows? Even the ones from the common room are missing."

*

They were called into Dumbledore's office just after dinner. Harry had Miriam Webster strapped to his chest in the Baby Bjorn™ where she had fallen asleep.

"If you wake her up," Draco hissed to Harry, "I will pull your intestines out through your nose."

"Boys," Dumbledore said, after clearing his throat. "I'd ask you to sit on the chesterfield, but the cushions have all gone missing. McGonagall tidying up again, I presume. But more to the point—"

"Shhhh!" said Harry and Draco.

"Boys," he whispered, "something has gone dreadfully wrong."

"Oh lord," Draco said. "I know we haven't been getting in the same amount of quality world-saving time as we used to, but with the baby it's difficult you know. Just today I was trying to remind Potter of his civic duty, but oh no, he's worried about defective toys. I mean what can I—"

"No no," Dumbledore said. "It's not that."

"You don't find me attractive anymore, do you," Draco said to Harry. "Admit it."

"The problem," Dumbledore continued, "is that professor Trelawney has had another prophecy."

"Oh great," said Harry.

"Does this mean we're going to break up?" Draco asked. "I lost the baby weight so fast, too. It's not my fault my nipples are sore all the time! Potter, don't do this to me!"

"No no," Dumbledore said. "The prophecy indicated that there were going to be some startling abductions at Hogwarts, and that only the heir of one of the houses would be able to enter the secret chamber to save us all."

"Wait, I know this story," Draco said. "Isn't this the one where Tom Riddle gets Ginny Weasley to kill some roosters and use their blood in some kind of performance art?"

"Shhh," Harry said, one hand on the Baby Bjorn™.

"That's the time Harry got into trouble with the SPCA for killing that poor Basilisk."

"It was going to kill me!" Harry whispered. "I explained it all to them very thoroughly."

"A likely story. You only got away with killing an endangered animal because of that stupid scar on your head."

"It seems," Dumbledore said meaningfully, "that Miriam Webster might have something to do with all this."

"What?" Draco spluttered. "How can she be involved? She's not even a year old yet."

"Well," Harry reasoned, "I did nearly destroy Voldemort at that age."

"True," Draco said, "And she is a lot brighter than you are."

"The prophecy indicated that perhaps...perhaps Miriam Webster is the one who can stop the abductions. It appears from her star charts that she may be the heir of one of the founders of Hogwarts."

There was a pause.

"Draco," Harry said sternly. "Were you playing with Tom Riddle's diary again?"

"No!"

"Did you cheat on me with Tom Riddle? IS MIMI TOM RIDDLE'S CHILD?"

"Umph," said Miriam Webster.

"Harry, don't wake her up, I swear to you, I will disembowel you with a grapefruit spoon. And no, of course she's not Tom Riddle's! I just talked to him that one time, it was completely innocent! She's your baby, of course she's yours, she's got your funny hair. Don't be silly."

"Tom Riddle also had funny hair."

"Um," Draco swallowed.

"We don't think this has anything to do with the chamber of secrets," Dumbledore explained.

"What, there's some other secret chamber at Hogwarts?" Draco asked.

"According to legend, another of the Hogwarts founders created a secret chamber, yes. But no one has ever been able to find it."

"Is there a charm on Hogwarts that makes people blind? I mean, honestly," Draco spluttered. "Is there a mythical nail salon we should find out about soon as well? Because I could use a manicure."

"Could Miriam Webster be the heir of Gryffindor?" Harry asked.

"Oh sure," Draco smirked. "You think any child of mine would be a Gryffindor? Please! My mother would turn over in her designer coffin."

"Your mother isn't dead," Harry noted.

"So? She really likes that coffin, she says it's peaceful in there."

"I pulled Godric Gryffindor's sword out of the Sorting Hat," Harry reminded them.

"Well," Dumbledore said. "That could well be the case, Harry, but Godric Gryffindor had a fear of secret enclosed spaces, so he didn't create a secret chamber."

"So much for courage under fire," Draco snorted.

"He created a secret Quidditch pitch instead."

"He did? Where?" Harry asked.

"Well," Dumbledore said carefully. "What I meant to say was, he created the Quidditch pitch. No so much a secret Quidditch pitch, really. Hard to keep something like that a secret, since the other founders watched him built it."

"Oh. I see." Harry said, disappointed. "So who created this secret chamber?"

"Must be that Rowena woman," Draco said. "Miriam Webster is so smart, she's going to be like a dictionary when she grows up! I bet she'll be sorted into Ravenclaw."

"Um," said Dumbledore. There was an uncomfortable pause.

"You have GOT to be kidding me." Draco said. "No. No way. It's not possible."

Harry looked Draco, and then at Dumbledore. He sighed. "Maybe we should just sort her now, then."

"Cracking idea, Potter," Draco said. "Then we'll see the truth. My progeny is bound to be a Slytherin or a Ravenclaw. But if you wake her up with that mangy piece of headgear—"

"I know, I know," Harry said. Dumbledore lifted the Sorting Hat from its place on the shelf and Harry rested it carefully on Miriam Webster's head.

"Please," Dumbledore said. "Speak quietly, will you, hat?"

"Oh," said the Sorting Hat said. "You may not think I'm—"

"Stuff it," Draco said. "Just tell us what house she's heir to, will you?"

"Hmph," the Sorting Hat said. "Well, if you're going to be that way about it. She's the Heir of Hufflepuff, of course."

*

"HOW COULD THIS POSSIBLY HAVE HAPPENED?" Draco wailed.

"You're kidding!" Hermione said. "Mimi is a Hufflepuff?"

"Not only a Hufflepuff," Harry said proudly. "She's the HEIR of Hufflepuff."

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Draco howled. "WHY ARE YOU TELLING PEOPLE? WE'RE SENDING HER TO DURMSTRANG."

"Draco is a little upset," Harry went on, "But I think it's wonderful. I knew she was special from the moment she was conceived."

"How can she be—" Ron started.

"IT'S NOT MY FAULT I HAVE A CRAZY FAMILY." Draco raged.

"It seemed to be a mixture of genes from both sides," Harry explained. "Mostly from the Malfoy side. I bet you didn't know that the Malfoys have a long and proud Hufflepuff history, did you."

"WE DON'T NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS."

"Ron, Hermione? Do you mind watching Mimi for a couple of hours while she sleeps?" Harry asked. "I think I need to spend from quality time with Draco."

"THIS IS NO TIME FOR BOFFING, POTTER."

"Sure," Hermione said quickly. "Did Draco use the breast pump earlier? If she wakes up I know she won't accept anything but breast milk."

Draco stared. "I thought no one was going to find out about the lactating, Potter," he said quietly.

"Um," Harry said.

"I love this breastfeeding pillow of yours, by the way," Hermione said. "Hey, where did it go?"

*

"It's just," Draco sighed. "I'd always hoped to buy her that first Slytherin tie. Now...well, now she'll be in yellow and black. She'll be like a bumblebee." Draco and Harry walked toward the Room or Requirement hand in hand.

"It's not her fault," Harry said. "It's just the way she was born. We love her, we'd love her no matter what house she got sorted into, wouldn't we?"

"Of course, but..." Draco sighed again. "How am I going to tell my mother? They'll all think it's some strange lifestyle choice she's made. They'll think she's trying to spite the family."

"It's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's just who she IS."

"Maybe if we send her for some counseling now, we can turn her into a Ravenclaw instead. Wouldn't that be nice?"

"Draco...you know conversation therapy doesn't work."

"I just wonder if she can ever be truly happy, with all the hatred and mockery she'll face. The Wizarding World is not kind to the percentage of the population who are born Hufflepuffs, Harry. I don't want my baby to be discriminated against! I want to protect her! Why can't I protect her?" Draco sobbed into Harry's shoulder.

"It's a different world these days, Draco," Harry said, putting a comforting arm around Draco's shoulder. "I mean, Hufflepuffs are allowed to have children, they can't get fired if anyone finds out about their nature, and now they're even letting them get married!"

Draco sniffled. "I guess so."

"And they have all those nice organizations to help Hufflepuffs cope. Maybe we can sign up at the local chapter of Parents and Friends of Hufflepuffs and Fans of Herbology."

Draco rubbed at his nose. "Maybe. I don't want to be seen at places like that!"

"We can make this easier on her if we just love her and let her be herself," Harry went on. "I know you love her."

"I do," Draco said. "But can't we send her to Durmstrang just in case? I hear Bulgaria is nice at this time of year."

When they got to the Room of Requirement, it was empty. "What did you decide you needed, anyway?" Harry asked.

"Pillows," Draco said. "My back is sore."

"Hmm," Harry said. "No pillows. That's odd."

*

"Anyone been abducted yet?" Ron asked.

"Nope," said Harry, putting his feet up on the coffee table in the Gryffindor common room. "Everyone is present and accounted for."

"Unless someone really uninteresting and unimportant has gone missing," Draco suggested. "Has anyone seen Snape?"

"Sadly, yes," said Harry. "Who's got Mimi? Not Pansy, I hope."

"No," said Draco, pouting. "I gave her to that friend of yours, Luna. She seemed keen on the job."

"Luna?" Hermione gasped. "Is that wise?"

"Sure," said Harry. "Why not?"

"She'll read to Mimi from The Quibbler and rot her mind!" Hermione enjoyed reading to Miriam Webster from the feminist booklist she put together especially for her.

"Well," Harry noted, "Draco reads to her from the Malfoy Family Chronicles and she's still alright so far."

"Potter!" Draco retorted. "So this is what you think of me, even after I named your child after that character you Gryffindors read about all the time."

"Uh," Harry said.

"Hey!" Luna climbed through the portrait hole. "Miriam Webster took a couple of steps!"

"WHAT?!" said Draco and Harry, jumping off the chesterfield.

"She did!" Luna said, passing Miriam Webster to Draco, who immediately counted her fingers and toes, and, finding them all present, looked relieved. "She turned away from me and started to walk down that empty corridor on the third floor."

"Luna, that place is full of broken glass and rusty nails, what were you thinking taking her near there?" Hermione eyed Luna suspiciously and clutched her feminist booklist in her hand.

Luna shrugged. "She wanted to go."

"What, she told you that?"

"Sure. Babies can communicate a lot more than you'd think they do, you know."

Hermione just bristled. "Why can't SHE go missing?" she mumbled under her breath.

"So," Luna said. "I see you don't have any cushions left in the Gryffindor common room either. I think they've been called to their home planet. All disappeared in the night, back to cushionworld."

"Did that," Hermione snapped, "come from The Quibbler too?"

"No," Luna said placidly. "But I'm writing an article about it for my father."

"I don't like sleeping without my pillow," Ron noted. "I thought Harry stole it."

"He does that," Draco agreed.

"Maybe Filch is missing, I haven't seen him lately." Harry mused. "Where's Neville?"

*

As it turned out, no one had gone missing. Days passed and no one woke up minus a roommate, no one noticed an odd absence of teachers, and even Hagrid was easily found in his little house by the forest.

"Could Trelawney's prediction have been incorrect?" Harry wondered aloud.

"Gee, I wonder." Hermione was on her knees across from Harry, holding out her hands while Miriam Webster walked between the two of them, laughing and tipping over.

"Dumbledore was very serious about this prophecy," Harry said. "I think this is the real thing."

Hermione snorted.

"Do you mind watching her for a minute? I need do a couple of things."

"No no, that's fine," Hermione said quickly. "I finally got my copy of The Paper Bag Princess in the mail. We'll read that."

"Thanks." Harry gave Miriam Webster a quick hug and kissed her on the cheek. "Be a good feminist for your auntie Hermione, Mimi."

Harry knew that Luna was a bit odd at times, but when she noticed something it was always something worth paying attention to. Why had their pillows been disappearing? And he knew just where he had to go to get the answers.

"Hey," Harry called. "Hey Dobby!"

"Does Harry Potter want Dobby?" Dobby jumped out of a closet and scurried close to Harry, taking his hand. "Dobby knew Harry Potter would get tired of that nasty Malfoy eventually. Nice Harry Potter. Dobby will love him long time."

"Uh," Harry said. "Actually, I was wondering if you knew anything about the pillows."

"Pillows? Dobby has no pillows."

"They've all disappeared from the Gryffindor and Ravenclaw dormitories, I wondered if the house elves knew anything about that," Harry prompted.

"There are no more pillows at Hogwarts, Harry Potter! Dobby has seen them all disappear! But Harry Potter needs no pillows when he has Dobby! Dobby is a good pillow!"

"No more pillows? Not a single one?"

"Just Dobby!"

"Where did all the pillows go?"

"Dobby does not know. Perhaps pillows have gone back to their own pillow world in the sky."

"Um," Harry stammered. "Thanks."

On his way back to Gryffindor Tower, Harry ran into a crying, hysterical Hermione.

"Oh God, Harry!" she was wide-eyed with terror. "I'm so sorry! I’m so incredibly sorry, I don't know how it happened, but..."

"What?" Harry grabbed her by the shoulders. "What is it?"

"It's Mimi."

"Oh no. What? What's wrong? Is she okay?"

"She's missing, Harry. I'm sorry, I turned my back for one minute, and she was gone. She can't have gotten far, we have to find her!"

*

"WHAT?" Harry didn't want to do it, but when they ran into Draco in the corridor, he couldn't help it. He let it slip. "YOUR MUDBLOOD FRIEND DID WHAT?"

"I'm sure she's fine," Harry said. "But we've got to find her."

"YOU KILLED MY CHILD." Draco was yelling at the top of his lungs and nearly lunged at Hermione.

"She's not DEAD, she's just missing," Harry soothed. "Come on, you can yell later. Or better yet, yell now for Mimi."

"MIMI!" Draco yelled. "MIMI COME SEE MA MA! Dear God, Potter, she's too little for this, some hobgoblin has probably eaten her and it's all your halfbreed mudblood friend's fault and I will never ever ever let her out of Azkaban for this!"

An hour later there was still no sign of Miriam Webster. They had half the student body out searching when Harry ran into Luna.

"Oh," Luna said. "I bet I know where she is."

"WHERE?!" Draco howled.

Luna led them up the stairs to the third floor, where there was not much broken glass and only a few rusty nails. There were two streaks on the floor where the dust had been disturbed; as though two snakes and slithered along the floor in tandem.

"Crawl tracks!" Draco gasped. "MIMI!"

The ran down the corridor until the tracks veered to the left. They ended abruptly, as if Miriam Webster had crawled directly into the wall.

"MIMI!" Draco yelled. Harry and Draco threw themselves against the wall, kicking it, crawling at it for releases, and swearing loudly.

"Ahem," said Luna. She put her hand on the wall and said, "Ma ma." She turned around. "I saw her do it a few days ago."

The wall rumbled and shook; dust fell from the ceiling and the wall parted. On the other side was a large room painting sky blue with clouds on the ceiling, and everywhere, as far as they could see, were pillows.

Big red ones from chesterfields, little silvery ones that decorated the overstuffed chairs in the Slytherin dormitory, and white ones from every bed in the school with pillowcases of every possible colour. And in the middle of all these pillows lay Miriam Webster, fast asleep.

"She found it!" Draco gasped. "It's....the Hufflepuff chamber of..."

"Uh," Harry said.

"Pillows?" Luna offered helpfully.

Draco ran into the chamber and immediately fell down. He sank into the floor of the chamber, which was made entirely of feathers. "This is insane," he said. "What is this, the secret chamber of soft and comfy things? Potter, forget the Room of Requirement, we're coming here from now on. That Astronomy Tower is awfully drafty anyway." He crawled over to Miriam Webster and gathered her up in his arms.

"Mimi," he cooed. "Are you okay, love? You had us so worried." She curled up against his chest and said, "Ma ma."

*

"Well, so my prediction was a bit off this time," Professor Trelawney snapped. "But it was true, wasn't it? The secret Hufflepuff chamber has been found, and..things went missing, didn't they?"

"Yes," Professor McGonagall said. "Yes indeed. Very helpful vision you had, Sybil."

"So in a few years," Professor Flitwick noted, "We'll be teaching not only the progeny of Both Potter and Malfoy, but also the Heir of Hufflepuff."

Professor Spout smiled mysteriously. "I bet she'll be a star at Herbology."