FIC: Cure for the Flu, chapter 1
Dec. 16th, 2002 03:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ivyblossomtitle: Cure for the Flu
Pairing: none yet. Probably H/D. As per usual.
Rating: PG
warnings: I'm so sorry. this is a very stupid fic. Very, very stupid. And don't be offended please if you have ever written a serious telepathy fic. I mean no harm. I just thought this would be funny.
Harry was certain he could win this duel. After all, Malfoy had the flu, and in spite of Snape's attempts to brew up potions to cure him, he was still hopelessly sick. His nose was red, his eyes were puffy, he could only breathe through his mouth, he was slow and clumsy on the stairs, and it was probably his foul, fluish mood that prompted him to dare Harry to a duel between classes in the first place. Hermione, standing against the wall of the corridor with a book in her arms, gave Harry a look that said, Is this really worth the time and effort? But oh, it was. Draco had suggested that even as sick as a cross-eyed Muggle he was a better wizard than Harry. A comment like that could not go unchallenged. The only thing that worried Harry now was that Malfoy might sneeze on him.
"Do you wad to admid defead now," Malfoy sniffled, "Or shall I hubiliade you in front of your little fred?" Hermione snickered, and Malfoy shot her a glare. "You thig Ibe funny, Mudblood? Or were you thiging about your dobby dees?" His voice sounded pathetically thick and gravelly. If Harry hadn't watched his lips moving he would have thought the voice belonged to some ghost, one of Hagrid's wilder creatures, or to Millicent Bulstrode. It looked like speaking had taken too much out of him as it was; he was leaning slightly too far to the left and looked like he might fall down.
"Oh God, Malfoy. You've got to be kidding me," Harry laughed.
"Dode laugh ad me, Potter. I cad still kick your scrawdy little—"
"Oh, enough with the talking already! Harry, duel the monster and let's go to charms, shall we?" Hermione crossed her arms in front of her chest, propping her chin up on the book. "Just breathing the same air as him is making me feel itchy."
Harry wasn't sure exactly what caused the accident. Much later he came to think that it was just fate stepping in. Malfoy leapt forward, rather clumsily, and aimed his wand at Harry, who dodged him easily, shooting a Petrificus Totalis spell that shot off the wall instead of hitting Malfoy. At some point they both jumped in the same direction and ended up in running headlong into each other. As they hit the floor, something cracked under Harry's chin and something wet smacked him in the ear.
"Ew!" Harry groaned, rubbing his sore chin and touching something sticky and wet in his hair. "What is this?"
"Thad's my bedicine, you ibecile." He carefully exacted a piece of broken glass from his pocket. Great. Now I have a pocket full of disgusting, sticky broken glass. This clumsy oaf nearly removed my appendix for me. Oh I'm so sore. I'm so tired. Now my bottom hurts. Ow.
Harry's eyes widened. For a moment he thought he was hallucinating, and then he heard it again. I don't want to get up. I ran into Potter's wand and now I'm going to have a bruise on my arm. I think I'll just stay here lying in the corridor all day. I hate charms. I hate school. Who cares anyway. Draco flopped back down on the floor and shut his eyes. "Go away, Potter. Tage your little fred wid you."
Harry washed the potion out of his ear in the boys' bathroom, but for the entire charms lesson he could here Malfoy in his head. I like pencils. I like how I write my name. My name is very pretty .D R A C O. Draco Draco Draco. It sounds nice. Draco Malfoy Malfoy Malfoy. My throat hurts. I'm bored.
He tried very hard to imagine how this could have happened. One of Snape's strange potions, made for Malfoy, sinking disgustingly into his ear. It must have triggered something. I think my shoes are getting too small. I hope I don't have huge feet when I'm older. Like, ridiculous feet. I would like to have nice feet. Harry shook his head and watched Malfoy, who seemed to be glaring at Hermione while thinking about his feet. It just didn't make any sense. He considered whether there was a lag between the thought occurring to Draco and when Harry could overhear it.
"What is it, Harry?" Ron whispered. "Is it...your scar?" Hermione looked up from her parchment.
"Oh God, Ron," Harry said. Ooooo Potter and Weasley chatting in class. I wonder what they're talking about. "No. It's not my scar. You won't believe it. Draco's medicine...got in my ear..." I'm so sore. I hate being sick. My bottom is itchy He snorted with laughter and tried to keep his voice down. "And.."
"He's been poisoned!" Hermione whispered urgently. "Just like in Hamlet! It's okay, Harry, we'll take you to Madame-"
"No no no!" Harry gasped, still giggling. It's really difficult to scratch your bottom in class. When you're sitting on it. "Not poisoned. No no, much, much funnier. I can...I can hear everything Malfoy thinks."
Hermione eyed him. "What?" My fingernails are far too long. I should clip them after class. On Goyle's bed. Ha.
"It's true! Every thought he has! In fact, right now he's thinking about...clipping his fingernails. He has the least interesting thoughts you could possibly imagine."
"Are you sure?" Ron asked, suspicious. "I mean, how do you know it's Malfoy?"
Harry snickered. "I can just tell." Disgusting, fingernails. Thought my hands would look funny without them. Just fleshy stumps, really.
"This isn't good, Harry," Hermione whispered, looking serious. "Wizards have gone mad over less than this. You should see Dumbledore."
Fingernails are so strange. Why don't my toenails need to be clipped as often? Are fingernails like claws? How does so much dirt get under them when I'm so clean? "Yes," Harry said. "I think I may need to see Dumbledore. I feel madness fast approaching."
*
"Oh dear, " Dumbledore said, looking at Harry. "That is unusual. Does Mr. Malfoy know?"
"Um, no." Harry stared at his shoes. I love cheese. I could eat cheese all day. But then I would get all bunged up, and I already know that's not much fun. "He saw the medicine go into my ear, but I didn't mention, the, uh..." I can't taste the brie but I can almost taste the blue cheese. Mmmm. Blue fungus. Yum.
"Yes, I can understand your hesitation, Mr. Potter." Oooo my head. My head hurts. Why can't I go I lie down? I bet Snape will let me go. I'll beg out of potions and go have a sleep. "But he simply must be told. It isn't very fair to him not to tell him. Now, you said that Professor Snape had mixed this flu cure?"
Maybe I'll take a very long very hot shower too. That clears some of the crap out of my nose. "Yes sir."
"Well, we must go see Professor Snape, then. Perhaps we can all sort this out together." I love being naked. I don't get to do that enough around here. So many stupid people prying around all the time while you're trying to have a good-
"Yes, please! Let's sort it out!"
Pairing: none yet. Probably H/D. As per usual.
Rating: PG
warnings: I'm so sorry. this is a very stupid fic. Very, very stupid. And don't be offended please if you have ever written a serious telepathy fic. I mean no harm. I just thought this would be funny.
Harry was certain he could win this duel. After all, Malfoy had the flu, and in spite of Snape's attempts to brew up potions to cure him, he was still hopelessly sick. His nose was red, his eyes were puffy, he could only breathe through his mouth, he was slow and clumsy on the stairs, and it was probably his foul, fluish mood that prompted him to dare Harry to a duel between classes in the first place. Hermione, standing against the wall of the corridor with a book in her arms, gave Harry a look that said, Is this really worth the time and effort? But oh, it was. Draco had suggested that even as sick as a cross-eyed Muggle he was a better wizard than Harry. A comment like that could not go unchallenged. The only thing that worried Harry now was that Malfoy might sneeze on him.
"Do you wad to admid defead now," Malfoy sniffled, "Or shall I hubiliade you in front of your little fred?" Hermione snickered, and Malfoy shot her a glare. "You thig Ibe funny, Mudblood? Or were you thiging about your dobby dees?" His voice sounded pathetically thick and gravelly. If Harry hadn't watched his lips moving he would have thought the voice belonged to some ghost, one of Hagrid's wilder creatures, or to Millicent Bulstrode. It looked like speaking had taken too much out of him as it was; he was leaning slightly too far to the left and looked like he might fall down.
"Oh God, Malfoy. You've got to be kidding me," Harry laughed.
"Dode laugh ad me, Potter. I cad still kick your scrawdy little—"
"Oh, enough with the talking already! Harry, duel the monster and let's go to charms, shall we?" Hermione crossed her arms in front of her chest, propping her chin up on the book. "Just breathing the same air as him is making me feel itchy."
Harry wasn't sure exactly what caused the accident. Much later he came to think that it was just fate stepping in. Malfoy leapt forward, rather clumsily, and aimed his wand at Harry, who dodged him easily, shooting a Petrificus Totalis spell that shot off the wall instead of hitting Malfoy. At some point they both jumped in the same direction and ended up in running headlong into each other. As they hit the floor, something cracked under Harry's chin and something wet smacked him in the ear.
"Ew!" Harry groaned, rubbing his sore chin and touching something sticky and wet in his hair. "What is this?"
"Thad's my bedicine, you ibecile." He carefully exacted a piece of broken glass from his pocket. Great. Now I have a pocket full of disgusting, sticky broken glass. This clumsy oaf nearly removed my appendix for me. Oh I'm so sore. I'm so tired. Now my bottom hurts. Ow.
Harry's eyes widened. For a moment he thought he was hallucinating, and then he heard it again. I don't want to get up. I ran into Potter's wand and now I'm going to have a bruise on my arm. I think I'll just stay here lying in the corridor all day. I hate charms. I hate school. Who cares anyway. Draco flopped back down on the floor and shut his eyes. "Go away, Potter. Tage your little fred wid you."
Harry washed the potion out of his ear in the boys' bathroom, but for the entire charms lesson he could here Malfoy in his head. I like pencils. I like how I write my name. My name is very pretty .D R A C O. Draco Draco Draco. It sounds nice. Draco Malfoy Malfoy Malfoy. My throat hurts. I'm bored.
He tried very hard to imagine how this could have happened. One of Snape's strange potions, made for Malfoy, sinking disgustingly into his ear. It must have triggered something. I think my shoes are getting too small. I hope I don't have huge feet when I'm older. Like, ridiculous feet. I would like to have nice feet. Harry shook his head and watched Malfoy, who seemed to be glaring at Hermione while thinking about his feet. It just didn't make any sense. He considered whether there was a lag between the thought occurring to Draco and when Harry could overhear it.
"What is it, Harry?" Ron whispered. "Is it...your scar?" Hermione looked up from her parchment.
"Oh God, Ron," Harry said. Ooooo Potter and Weasley chatting in class. I wonder what they're talking about. "No. It's not my scar. You won't believe it. Draco's medicine...got in my ear..." I'm so sore. I hate being sick. My bottom is itchy He snorted with laughter and tried to keep his voice down. "And.."
"He's been poisoned!" Hermione whispered urgently. "Just like in Hamlet! It's okay, Harry, we'll take you to Madame-"
"No no no!" Harry gasped, still giggling. It's really difficult to scratch your bottom in class. When you're sitting on it. "Not poisoned. No no, much, much funnier. I can...I can hear everything Malfoy thinks."
Hermione eyed him. "What?" My fingernails are far too long. I should clip them after class. On Goyle's bed. Ha.
"It's true! Every thought he has! In fact, right now he's thinking about...clipping his fingernails. He has the least interesting thoughts you could possibly imagine."
"Are you sure?" Ron asked, suspicious. "I mean, how do you know it's Malfoy?"
Harry snickered. "I can just tell." Disgusting, fingernails. Thought my hands would look funny without them. Just fleshy stumps, really.
"This isn't good, Harry," Hermione whispered, looking serious. "Wizards have gone mad over less than this. You should see Dumbledore."
Fingernails are so strange. Why don't my toenails need to be clipped as often? Are fingernails like claws? How does so much dirt get under them when I'm so clean? "Yes," Harry said. "I think I may need to see Dumbledore. I feel madness fast approaching."
*
"Oh dear, " Dumbledore said, looking at Harry. "That is unusual. Does Mr. Malfoy know?"
"Um, no." Harry stared at his shoes. I love cheese. I could eat cheese all day. But then I would get all bunged up, and I already know that's not much fun. "He saw the medicine go into my ear, but I didn't mention, the, uh..." I can't taste the brie but I can almost taste the blue cheese. Mmmm. Blue fungus. Yum.
"Yes, I can understand your hesitation, Mr. Potter." Oooo my head. My head hurts. Why can't I go I lie down? I bet Snape will let me go. I'll beg out of potions and go have a sleep. "But he simply must be told. It isn't very fair to him not to tell him. Now, you said that Professor Snape had mixed this flu cure?"
Maybe I'll take a very long very hot shower too. That clears some of the crap out of my nose. "Yes sir."
"Well, we must go see Professor Snape, then. Perhaps we can all sort this out together." I love being naked. I don't get to do that enough around here. So many stupid people prying around all the time while you're trying to have a good-
"Yes, please! Let's sort it out!"
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 12:14 pm (UTC)However. =D
I am VASTLY amused ~_^v
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Date: 2002-12-16 12:17 pm (UTC)*giggles* Tres amusant. Thank you for entertaining me while I study *g*
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Date: 2002-12-16 12:50 pm (UTC)That is all.
-smirks-
Re:
Date: 2002-12-16 01:23 pm (UTC)Will stop spamming Ivy's lj now.
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Date: 2002-12-16 12:21 pm (UTC)SURPRISE!
You've just been drive-by hugged by the Hug Chain! Pass it on, and keep the fandom love going strong!
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 12:22 pm (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2002-12-16 12:24 pm (UTC)I like pencils. I like how I write my name. My name is very pretty .D R A C O. Draco Draco Draco. It sounds nice. Draco Malfoy Malfoy Malfoy. My throat hurts. I'm bored.
His thoughts are so... intelligent and coherent. *gigglefit*.
I really hope you'll continue this!
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 12:37 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 12:43 pm (UTC)I really shouldn't read stuff like that at work...*snicker*
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Date: 2002-12-16 05:14 pm (UTC)Re:
Date: 2002-12-16 07:52 pm (UTC)*huggles!*
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Date: 2002-12-16 12:53 pm (UTC)Second that!
and yeah, I need to have more people peeking into my office to what the hell I'm laughing at on the third read.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 12:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 01:08 pm (UTC)You had to go and get us all hooked on another silly fic, huh?! Oh well, I feel better about this one since it's you (and since you've got this going now, I'll believe that you didn't write StoS!)... it's perhaps not, um, your best work, but my, it's entertaining. heehee! :) Boring!(andSick!)Draco is hilarious!
Thanks for sharing; can't wait for the next bit!
StoS
Date: 2002-12-16 01:41 pm (UTC)You have come up with a abreviation for Seeker to Seeker!!!!!
All behold StoS!!!
Re: StoS
Date: 2002-12-16 01:50 pm (UTC)Re: StoS
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 01:27 pm (UTC)inspired!
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Date: 2002-12-16 01:28 pm (UTC)-Lishan
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Date: 2002-12-16 01:29 pm (UTC)"Do you wad to admid defead now," Malfoy sniffled, "Or shall I hubiliade you in front of your little fred?"
Bahahah! I love telepathy fics, and even though this is more funny than serious, I still love it. Especially since Draco apparently isn't the master of Deep Thoughts. ;)
Look foward to more, as I always do.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 01:36 pm (UTC)This could go so many ways...
Date: 2002-12-16 01:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 02:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 02:34 pm (UTC)i certainly hope you're working on the next bit!
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 02:38 pm (UTC)That is hilarious.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 02:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 03:20 pm (UTC)Hahah! He's so cute!
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Date: 2002-12-16 04:17 pm (UTC)The idea of having some potion in your ear that makes you hear your nemesis' thoughts is brilliant enough, but when it's such a brainless t00b ... *smirks*
Poor Harry will surely be insane after a while.
Love this, want more!
*schnoggles*
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 04:25 pm (UTC)Who's a boo?
Ivy is a boo!
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BWAH!!! The last two lines? Pure. comedic. GENIUS. And may I express my awe at you being able to recreate EXACTLY the speech-patterns of the sinus-impaired (i.e. Draco)? Well, this is me being awed. *snerk* You're AWESOME, Ivy. I can't WAIT to see where the rest of this goes.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 05:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-16 06:18 pm (UTC)Who would write a serious telepathy fic, anyway? Harry and Draco being telepathic? Like, yeah right. That is the most ridiculous thing ever. [hums innocently]
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Date: 2002-12-17 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
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Date: 2002-12-17 10:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2002-12-20 02:25 am (UTC)so funny. especially the itchy butt thing lmao..
.eep.
no subject
Date: 2002-12-25 10:09 pm (UTC)Snort
Date: 2003-01-02 10:53 am (UTC)