What use Fandom?

[ivyblossom]

Well.

Okay, my involvement in the latest thingummy with fandom comes to exactly, oh, nil, so while some people have asked me for my opinion on it, since I've been around long enough and I know enough people involved, I'm just like every other person watching it in horror. I don't know. I never knew msscribe. I know people who know her, but aside from a few lj comments I've never had an actual conversation with her. So I have no special wisdom or information to offer.

As someone who stayed exclusively in slash fandom, I never a) understood these particular ship wars in question, b) took a side in them (particularly), or b) was of any consequence to anyone from het fandom. To be honest I didn't ever visit GT or SQ, and I couldn't tell you the difference between them. But I remember the GT Hidden Room thing and I remember being pretty grossed out by it. There was some history and some bad blood between one group of people and another, but not knowing all the details (or, more correctly, not being able to keep all the details in my head all at once), most of it was lost on me. While slash fandom is full of wankery of its own (as well as OTPs galore), these particular gripes were mostly nonsensical to me. The conversations going on in het fandom often appeared to be in an entirely different language.

There are lots of apologies flying around right now; I'm not sure what some people are actually apologizing for. But I can say this much: I'm sorry that anyone was ever unfairly painted as a bigot, a racist, or a harbourer of evil people. I'm sorry that anyone was ever made to feel threatened or outed by fandom behaviour. If I ever aided and/or abetted such behaviour, I'm truly sorry for that. But as a sideliner, I'm not sure my feelings on the matter mean much to anyone. I can say that I think truth matters no matter how much time as passed and no matter how many people get hurt by it this time around, and if I was indeed prompted to rip into some sockpuppet in order to provide fodder for someone else's witchhunt of other people in fandom, well, I want to know about it.

Not having anything actually useful to contribute, I'm instead going to set down some thoughts that have sprung up for me around all of this. I've been thinking about my own experience in fandom, and how (and why) I came to be involved the way I was.

Reading all the things I've been reading in the last few days reminded me that for many people, fandom is a tool. It's a means to an end. I know fandom is very attractive to certain sets of people who need something from it. It's attractive to those who need more attention than they get in their real lives. It's attractive to people who want to belong to something and feel that they don't (or can't) in real life. It's definitely attractive to people who want to write something and gets lots of feedback, either to boost their egos or to help them learn to write better. Some people just really love the source material and want to talk about it. I'm sure there are as many motives for being in fandom as there are people in fandom.

I most definitely had a use for fandom.

I came to fandom at one of the lowest points in my life. I was a doctoral student and I was struggling with my program; I didn't know what I was doing with myself anymore, I didn't feel good about my work or my existence, and it was incredibly depressing. I have having a hard time just getting out of bed in the mornings. I wasn't sure if the problem was the program or just me. Right before I moved to Toronto from Boston, Two years prior I had left a horribly abusive relationship. I wondered if I was still recovering from that. I got involved in other relationship in Toronto that at least wasn't abusive, but ended very badly. I was struggling, and I couldn't pinpoint exactly why.

I saw doctors. I took pills. I joined fandom. The doctor used fandom as proof that I wasn't actually sick; I had motivation for things I enjoyed (writing) but not for thigns I clearly didn't enjoy (phd work). It took me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I hated the program I was in and the life I was leading and heading toward. There was nothing wrong with me beyond that. I had to turn the boat around, but I had no idea how to do that. I couldn't even concieve of other directions yet.

I went through a long, painful period of being completely lost, unemployed, and feeling entirely useless. It took me a long time to come to terms with these things (hating the only thing I've really ever done and done well and having to find something new), and fandom was a perfect escape from all of that. I didn't plan it this way, but when I discovered fandom, it allowed me to escape into a world where my real life crises didn't really matter. It was absolutely a coping mechanism for me, a way to not exactly wallow in denial, but it was a kind of snooze button to press before learning how to move past it. It let me put the confusion and depression of my situation on hold for a while. It let me concentrate of something else.

The thing I found that helped me forget about myself and my own issues is exactly the same thing that made people call me self-obsessed; I fixated on characters who were absolutely not me, living lives that were absolutely not mine, in a world where I absolutely didn't exist. So I guess I can take a moment now to apologize to anyone who was annoyed at me at the time for being so stuck in my own stories. That was something I needed to do in that place and that time. That was what fandom gave me; another reality.

And it was a reality that gave me some space, but also the chance to organize things in ways that I thought made sense, to compile lists and a glossary, and try to help provide a sense of order in the disorder. To help build a sense of community. (My knowledge of heidi8, who (as always) has my greatest respect, is that she sees that same tendency toward chaos in this ephermeral and decentralized mess where you need a road map to find anything at all, and feels the same desire to provide some sense of "place" in fandom, some historicity, and some concrete tools for people to use when confonting fandom. I'm sure the same is true of others, though I don't know them as well, so I cannot surmise.) For me, having just been so completely cut off from other people inside a phd program, the idea of building culture digitally was completely fascinating. This is something I write about and do research on in my professional life; playing with building community tools and community resources, communities spaces, was nearly as engaging to me as writing.

While I sank further and further into fandom, I turned off real life. Real life only reminded me of the things I wasn't confronting (yet). I started sleeping during the day so that I could live without the fear of phone calls at night. I stopped checking my real life email and unplugged my phone. And in a bizarre but not unheard-of form of self-punishment, I stopped eating. I think I wrote one fic in particular (Origins) entirely fueled by iced tea.

The funny thing about all this, in retrospect, is that the process I went through (minus the fandom bit, natch) is enitrely typical of anyone dropping out of a phd program, and I've met many many others who went through it. They just didn't have the fantastical self re-invention space that I stumbled upon. I've been conflicted about my fandom experience since having mostly left it. I didn't know how to frame it or make sense of it. But now I really do see it as an amazing space that gave me the breathing room I needed, and an intensely creative space where I learned a little bit about how to write again. It taught me a million things about social software that I would never have learned out there on my own, in spite of my own long history in academic technology. Dabbling in fandom helped me redefine who I am and what I want to do with my life; I'm amazed how often things I learned in fandom come up in my current professional life. So I'm no longer conflicted about my role in fandom. Now I'd like to re-embrace it, and give it the credit it deserves for turning me around and forcing me to see what it is I really enjoy doing.

That was a heck of a long chunk of navel-gazing. Sorry about that. The point of all this was really just to say the very obvious thing; that people come into fandoms for reasons of their own. Reading what other people had to say about certain people's motives (those I know and those I don't) made me think a little harder about my own.

Comments

[harlequincy.livejournal.com]

I never knew all of that about you. Not that I should have - I don't know you, afterall - but it was intriguing. Lately I've been trying to understand my own involvment in fandom; why I found it when I did, or as you say, why I needed it (and I do agree that I came upon fandom and stuck around because I did, in fact, need it). Reading your post helped clear my head a little.

Perhaps I came to fandom for some of the same reasons as you, even though I wasn't going for a phd, I was only trying to get through high school. I'm still not really sure how fandom drew me in, or how it changed me and spit me out as a different person, but thanks for trying to think your own relationship with fandom through. I think reading it really helped me understand mine a little more.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Cheers to you for reading through that. It was significantly longer than I expected! :D

[luciusmalfoy.livejournal.com]

Fandom = teh awesome, but mainly in retrospect.

[hearts-n-roses.livejournal.com]

I just wanted to let you know I found your post intriguing and saw some of myself in there. I stumbled across fandom at a lonely time, and part of the reason I'm not so active in it anymore is that I just don't need it as much as I once did. My life has taken more positive turns in the past year and the need for a crutch has gone.

I still love fandom though and sometimes I miss it (I guess that's why I can't give it up completely); I just don't miss the circumstances that put me there.

Thanks for writing this.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I understand that. I don't miss my fic writing days either, except...well, fic writing is fun. :)

[cirakaite.livejournal.com]

It makes me wonder how many of the people in fandom don't use it just as a way to belong, but as a way to escape. I'm at the point where fandom/computers in general seem to be poised between being helpful as breathing room/a place to vent and a way to escape depression and the wreck of my actual life & just holding me back from moving on in that life - something you seem to have managed admirably. So thanks for posting this. It made me think.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I've spent a lot of time considering whether or not my relationship with fandom is healthy; there are times when it probably wasn't, but even then I think it was a growing process, and a healing process, that I needed. Sometimes moving on requires standing still and gathering up some strength, building some tools. It's playing with fire, doing something like that. I probably wouldn't have done it on purpose. But I guess sometimes we need to cocoon, and we shouldn't beat ourselves up for that. It can be step before something great.

[gelishan.livejournal.com]

Wow, I'm really glad I read that. Not only because it taught me a lot about you that I didn't already know, but because it's so hopeful. I go through a lot of time when I feel like the only things I do, and do well, are either things I don't enjoy very much or things I'm not very good at, and I go through a lot of time feeling entirely useless. It's nice to actually be told that someone who so clearly loves her current job and seems to be fond of her current life direction went through the same things, though, of course, I'm sorry you did. It's also a really nice treatise on the psychological uses of other realities.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

obviously I've spent a lot of time thinking about my relationship with fandom. And I don't regret what happened to me when; every single second of it has been useful. Even things I never expected that could POSSIBLY be professionally useful. (I need knowledge of various IM clients, IRC, and Livejournal for work after all!)

Though I can imagine what's in there that you didn't already know!

[applekid.livejournal.com]

wow, i didn't know all that stuff either. iced tea? really? and you seem a lot happier now, that's good.

i think fandom for me was a chance to be around a lot of other people who i felt i had something in common with. as you know, i am a pretty weird person, and i need other weird people as a social group. little did i know, fandom would be fraught with politics and rotten to the core; now, it's not nearly so innocent... i am just trying to remember to only eat the parts that are red and shiny, and not to take too big a bite. ;D

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Well, there are rotten bits, definitely; I don't know about to the core, though. Of course I'm looking back fondly. On a bad day I would probably give a different sort of answer.

But I'm very glad that we haven't lost touch. That would be a huge loss to me. AND TO THE WORLD!

[supergrover24.livejournal.com]

I wonder now if you and I ever talked about how I got into this. I mean, beyond finding a Clex fic and thinking it was hot. Fandom was my escape. I'd *finished* grad school, wasn't working in my field, had a husband who was increasingly absent and few friends still in town. It gave me an outlet with folks that had similar interests beyond the smut.

I still remember the feeling of awe the first time I was invited into an AIM room to chat. I felt welcomed and like I belonged.

Oddly, after Jon and I split, fandom was my crutch for only a short time. Once I was able to figure out who I was, without him--really going back to ME--I found I didn't need it anymore. I miss it, sometimes, having this thing that bound me to people around the globe. Of course, I've kept friends that I made via fandom. Some have visited for a week or so, some lived with me for a month.

I don't think you and I started really talking until we'd both left fandom, which is funny to me. (Heh--I was all "OMG IVY IS PINGING ME!" and in shock and stuff.)

I don't know what this whole ramble was supposed to mean. So, um. *rubs noses*

[novembersnow.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

Harry Potter has always been about escape for me. I found the books just after I'd graduated from college and was feeling depressed and adrift, and Hogwarts and some of its staff reminded me very strongly of my alma mater and professors I'd loved. And I found fandom three years later when I'd moved back to my hometown from New York City and was, again, feeling depressed and adrift--unemployed, unhappy, unsure what the hell I wanted to do with my life. I had abandoned the novel I'd been working on, so I wasn't writing at all, and I couldn't find a steady job other than substitute teaching. I've said many times that finding fandom that summer was one of the best things that could have happened to me--it got me feeling excited about something new, it got me connecting with people instead of feeling alone, and it got me interested in writing again, for which I'll always be grateful.

Granted, I've drifted away from fandom somewhat in the last year or so, but that's probably a good thing, because I don't need it now like I did then. But you were a big part of what made fandom so interesting for me during those early days, so thank you for that. ♥

[vampiresetsuna.livejournal.com]

::glomps:: Fandom is escapism for a lot of people, I think. I tend to be more involved with fandom things when I feel more isolated from real life people, and the other way around too. I think fandom, and writing in general, is a good (safe) place to work out issues and problems that recieve little or no attention in real life (like abusive relationships) due to social taboos. I think that you should be proud of the direction that your life has taken; and whats more, you are happier now, are you not?

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Oh I am, indeed! And thank you! That's very kind of you to say!

[theebee.livejournal.com]

When I read your entry, I also saw a great deal of myself in there. My life in fandom began while I was in a lonely place about half-way through my first year of university. I was painfully shy and feeling exceedingly alone. I took to reading and writing fics both as a means of escape and to ensure myself a certain feeling of belonging within a group.

I remember reading a lot of your work and looking up to you very much as a writer. I friended your journal who knows how long ago, and as you pulled away from fandom I was already on my way out.

However, my big secret is that I still do look up to you in a number of ways. I know you've been going through a hard time lately, but you most certainly are a success in ways that I can only dream of. And now that I know what you have gone through to get where you are now, my respect for you has only deepened. So, finding out that I have even the most minor of things in common with you is actually encouraging in a way.

Your writing will always be a major part of my warm memories of fandom... and I hope this comment doesn't make me seem like some lurking creep... :S

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm not really going through a hard time, to be honest. I have moments of annoyance, but they're just moments. Normally I'm a pretty chipper girl. :) But thanks somuch for this, I'm very touched. These are the things that remind me that there were wonderful things about fandom while I was in it...meeting people ike yourself made it worth it. :) And no, no lurking creeps here.

[ixchelmala.livejournal.com]

Stumbling on to your stuff was just that... and I was so very glad for it.

Some people, imho, get into fandom (any fandom for that matter) for fame, attention, etc.) things that represent power, but when attained are really empty of any substance that is useful for the long haul.

I'd say that I got into fandom, or fell into it for the same kinds of reasons that you did... only that I found reading to be the place/catalyst for my moving on to better things to do with myself.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

The power thing is interesting. I think there's definitely some of that going on, the climbing. In my experience, some people lurk for a long time, sizing up the fandom, working out the hierarchy before they introduce themselves. Those people are genuinely entering a community and understand that there might be a niche in there somewhere they can claim. I was so naive about that. I didn't realize there would be a hierarchy. I read Lib's fic that described her own interactions with her friends, and I wanted to meet her. Beyond that, I really didn't understand the idea that fandom would be its own society.

I guess this is why there are people writing dissertations on fandom.

[yourpoison.livejournal.com]

This totally resonates with me, man. I think I needed to get away from both fandom and my-- somewhat similar-- issues to see them clearly (being in school for no obvious reason, isolated and depressed; recovering from a relationship that ended awfully, another one that just went nowhere badly; trying to get in touch with a community & my creative center). I didn't realize why I was in HP and haven't 'moved on' to another fandom like so many other people did-- and in a way I miss it, so why don't I participate more? And I think it's because I'm ready for more... 'real' goals, I guess? Because I too was using it as an intermediate space that I really needed.

And I didn't realize I needed to have a good reason to give myself until I realized I did have one, somehow.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

It's like the mid- mid-life crisis, or something.

[maruchina.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing that. I think it's interesting that you wrote Origins at such a low point, as it was the story that drew me into fandom when I was at a similar low point in my life.

Your story sounds familiar; fandom gave me a group of people that supported me when noone else did, and when I was living in a pretty abusive and bad family situation. It gave me a way to escape my problems by reading and writing about other people. It gave me a reason to keep creating, to get up every day and do something instead of stare at the TV all day. It eventually led me to America, and to the place I am in now.

Sometimes I think that if I hadn't stumbled upon fandom, I would either have recovered a lot quicker, or never at all. Probably the latter. Isn't that a scary thought?

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I wonder about that as well. If I hadn't found fandom I might have moved on quicker, but I would have been minus a lot of technical (as well as writing) skills. So at this point I don't regret it.

[kerri]

I remember coming into fandom and not having any clue that all of this existed either. I ended up friending a lot of the well known people right away, but it was because they were well known for their fics and archives and contributions, not because of anything else as far as I knew at the time - all of that awareness came later.

It definitely started out as an escape for me, and I learned a lot about myself and my writing, and along the way I met some fabulous people and made a lot of friends... and then I sort of drifted away from it a bit, though I have to admit that in ways I'm just as interested as I ever was. HP was my first true fandom and I think it'll always be one I feel fondly about - which is one reason why I'm so sad when stuff like this happens. There are so many people who don't have good memories of fandom anymore, and when I remember how excited and happy they used to be, it makes me sad and a bit nostalgic. Though I don't know whether I could actually make anyone believe me, if I dared to say that fandom in 2003 was actually a fun place to be :P

...I think I rambled. Anyway. You've always been one of the people I've admired in the fandom, it was interesting to see this perspective on how it affected you and how you moved through it.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

I think the bad just appears to outweigh the good at moments like this...the vast majority of people in fandom are fantastic. The nasty ones just seem to have the loudest voices, for some reason. O_o

Rambling is good. :)

[isilya]

Fandom has always been about the people first and foremost for me. The friendships I've found here have been some of the most important of my life.

I mean, I think of you practically as my sister, and trust you implicitly. There aren't many people offline that I can say that about.

I will always be glad to have met you.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

*WAILS*

Right back at you. When I don't see you for a few days in a row, I really miss you.

And think of the fun we will have the next time we get together! Now that I'm not poor as a churchmouse! So many more fun things to do!

*loves on*

[perclexed.livejournal.com]

This was a great post. I'm all for the navel gazing ones, as I always learn something from other people's experiences, if only how to empathize once again. I never got as far as a doctoral program, but felt a lot of the same things after dropping out of college during undergrad years.

Props to you for taking the opportunity to learn something from the fallout.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Dropping out is rough, no matter what, I'm sure.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the whole thing, because I'm still in academia, and I have to talk about that experience quite a lot. But since improving the experience of students is part of our mission, it's totally on topic for me to discuss it (and be asked about it, repeatedly). So I guess even in a professional context I've had time to think about the whole thing.

Yes, I can tell you all about my navel, that's what. :)

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Well, I don't know...I mean, I'm a slasher, but I don't want Draco being tickled by just anyone. It's Harry or no one, I tell you!

I figure it's just that we don't have anything at stake. It's not like the books are going to go slash or anything. So, hey, whatever turns your crank. We're not writing it because it's likely, we're writing it because it's plausible. Or not plausible at all, but interesting. I think that's the difference.

[ebonbird.livejournal.com]

I read some of your stories, I thought them amazing. I didn't try to guess what drove you during that time, but I knew you were prolific and I found that amazing (and intimidating).

Thanks for sharing. Even though it's got nothing to do with me, it's given me so much food for thought.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Intimidating! Oh dear. I'll have to work on that.

And thanks! I have the patience of a gnat, and people always complain at me about my total inability to, er, wait for a beta to take care of stupid typos. It's true, it's horrible, I just reach a "done" point and then I'm...done. Terrible. But fun!

At the time I was writing I wasn't very keen about talking about what was motivating me anyway. Not sure I could have really articulated it at all. Hindsight and all that.

*rubs noses*

[saucy-wench.livejournal.com]

That was beautifully said, Ivycakes.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

*rubs noses*

[elvisneedsboats.livejournal.com]

Interesting. I relate to your story very well, despite the fact that my details are very different. The height of my involvement in fandom was during the last year or two of my marriage, when I knew I badly needed to get out but didn't know how to do it.

I learned a lot about *myself* through my participation in fandom, and I often feel that all of it made me a much stronger person. And now that I've moved on with my life and am genuinely happy again...I've drifted away from fandom. In a way, it makes me a bit sad because the fandom part of my life was great. But I can't complain about how things are going now, so I guess I just don't need it anymore.

Although it's still fun to read the occasional fic, when I find a really good one. :D

[ashkitty.livejournal.com]

I don't have anything profound to say about the post, Ivy, but I adore you, even though we don't talk much these days, and meeting you remains one of the best things I have got out of fandom. ♥

[treehavn.livejournal.com]

You forgot the last sentence:

"And then lalalala I went to library school and met treehavn and she showed me that life was all to do with drinking too much red wine and puking in buckets or drinking too much rose wine and weeing behind trees. And I was reborn."

Fandom is a funny old thing. I miss you.

[aldiara.livejournal.com]

Thanks for sharing. I have nought to say except ::hugs::

[innostrantsa.livejournal.com]

Thank you for sharing this.

[zorb]

I've been out of town for five days and am just getting caught up with LJ. I haven't been commenting on all of the old (to me) posts, but I wanted to say that yours was a breath of fresh air in its clarity and acknowledgment of the variation within fandom, and what some of us are trying to work towards here. Also, having come through a grad school crisis of "Why am I here, it's not working," myself, I can definitely say that fandom is what has kept me sane and motivated to do anything, when it seems like everything else I do fails.