When the world gets you down...

[ivyblossom]

Today I went with a friend of mine to the local mall to pick up a few things. (Passport photos so I can go visit treehavn in the spring, new earphones, a calendar, that sort of thing.) And I was in an awfully jolly mood on the way back home. I practically danced my way to the exit, feeling that all was reasonably well in the world, all told. As I was walking out, I heard a little old asian lady asking for help finding the bus station.

"I'm heading there," I said. "I'll take you."

She's a slow walker, this little old lady, so I slow down to a very slow saunter and talk to her. We talk about the weather. All very casual, very friendly. I like being a good member of the community; as I'm walking (very very slowly) I think, hey, what's the rush. Life is short. Enjoy it while it's here. Be a good person. Help people out. Love the place you find yourself in. It doesn't hurt to be nice.

And then she says, "...and they're trying to do this same-sex marriage thing! Can you believe it! Where would you and I be if there had always been same-sex marriage, eh?"

And I said nothing. My heart fell into my shoes. What could I say? Do I want to make a scene? Do I really want to see what happens after I tell her that I'm actually pretty much in favour of having full civil rights, thankyouverymuch?

It kills me that I said nothing. What I should have said was, well, you could be back there looking for the damn bus stop, lady. By yourself. Because I would have turned into a bitter, twisted lesbian having been given fewer rights than you and wouldn't have felt moved to help you. But I said nothing at all. Actually I saw my bus coming so I ran for it. i didn't help her to the escalator. I didn't help her to her platform, which I fully would have done otherwise. I just said, "there's my bus," and ran.

I'm telling you, kindness doesn't always pay. Ruined my whole evening.

Comments

[barely-bean.livejournal.com]

*shakes head* that's just really awful. I hate that people feel the need to assault others with their hate and their unkindness, and that they assume that everyone is like them. I'm so sorry, babe.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

I really wish I'd said something. But at the time I was drawing a blank. I feel like I missed a teachable moment or something.

[ashkitty.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm sorry, sweetie. That's awful.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Oh, could have been worse. I was just reminded that the world isn't as fuzzy as I like to think it is. But thanks. :)

[lethelynn.livejournal.com]

I hate it when something like that happens. I've done the same thing. Then I always feel so spineless later. I just have this highly ingrained habit of being polite and non-confrontational to strangers, even when they are completely insensitive. (especially senior citizens)I guess I need to get in touch with my inner tough-dyke.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I wonder who it would have had to have been for me to say something. I dunno. That sort of thing doesn't happen to me very often. I usually stay in my safe, cloistered little space.

I guess we need these experiences to prepare us to be a bit more activist.

[dejaspirit.livejournal.com]

It's really her that paid the price, though. She missed out on having some escalator assistance. :P That said, you don't have to be an activist every day. Hell, I was an emergency white girl once when my car broke down in rural Georgia...

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

HA! Well, you gotta do what you gotta do, for sure. This wasn't an emergency, though. I'm sure it would have been fine. It would have just shamed her. I just wasn't sure I wanted to do it. Meh.

I need to be an activist more of the time, though. Maybe this was my building moment, so the next time I'll be ready with a spunky reply. :/

[stungunbilly.livejournal.com]

Being kind opened up a chance, I'll bet. But everyone flubs their lines sometimes. You'll get another shot at opening eyes. I will be mentioning your story probably, as part of reasoning with people. If that's cool with you.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Oh, hey, feel free. Someone needs to use it. I clearly didn't. :/

[applekid.livejournal.com]

oh god. i am so sorry. those days are the fucking worst. *hugs*

for me, the only cure is to talk to people i love, and then go right to sleep... sometimes dreaming and rest can really dull the trauma.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Mmm sleep. Good idea.

*rubs noses*

I'm so happy you're back, btw. :) Even though I'm too busy to talk half the time! Still with the happiness!

[saucy-wench.livejournal.com]

Don't let people like that ruin your day honey.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Clearly I need to spend more time with fandom/livejournal to counteract these moments.

[marycucumber.livejournal.com]

Hey, at least she didn't out and out started bitching about how shameful it was that women have voting rights! For shame! In her day, no woman had opinions! They just sat in their rocking chairs and knitted!

That's the problem with this world. Women are clearly inferior to men, and when they start marrying women instead of men...well then the world just goes straight to shit, doesn't it?

Sorry, it just struck me as terribly unfair to have people ruin your day in such a horrible way. So I had to expound on the drama. =<
I'd have wanted to say terribly rude and evil things to the lady, but it would not be my place. Old ladies like her were raised in a different culture, they are so set and firm in their beliefs that not much can change them. Not even a nice young lady who walks them to the metro.

BUT WE LOVE YOU IVY and I think you should have chocolate and sleeping. And and and. Andy and nandy pand. *hug*

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Aww, thank you sweetie. Your icon helps. :) I can't decide if I'm more disppointed in myself for not giving this woman something to think about or for not PUNISHING HER for her EVIL IDEAS. You know? Did I want to bitchslap her for pick up my sword in the battle against discrimination?

Ah well. Sleep is good. Also, chocolate. ;)

[vampiresetsuna.livejournal.com]

=P Civil rights of any sort takes time, patience, and struggle. We have, er, 2006-1776= 230 of history of inequality, racism, bias, prejudice, and anti-women stuff. You'd think that sooner or later, people would stop putting conditions on the "everyone is equal thing." ::gripes:: Plus, kinda taboo of her to talk politics with someone she doesn't know.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess so. No politics with strangers. :)

polite/passive-agressive strategy

[cellia.livejournal.com]

Oh man, what a let-down. :( bah to the little old lady. At least you can feel that you retained the moral high ground.

The way I've come to to handle my distant, more conservative relatives is to remain polite, perhaps giving a pleasant or slightly sad smile, and saying something like "we'll have to agree to disagree." If they're open to discussion, they'll initiate it themselves with less defensiveness. If not, they'll still know that a "civilized" person can hold such an opinion on whatever.

Re: polite/passive-agressive strategy

[daisakura.livejournal.com]

Yeah I do pretty much the same thing with my relatives (well, specifically grandparents).

[chibisama.livejournal.com]

Personally, I would have continued to be nice to her and I would have helped her get to where she was going. Just because people all think differently doesn't mean that we should treat them any differently.

Note: I am completely pro-gay marriage, but I don't believe that my kindness should be lessened just because someone disagrees. You have every right to be upset, and every right to refuse kindness, but, to me, that is what builds the rift between those who are pro and and anti gay marriage.

It is because we act negatively on our different beliefs that we create antagonism.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

I would really love to see this in action. Honestly. If it were something that struck at you the way that this struck at me, I would love to see you turn the other cheek and go all saint theresa. This is really easy to say on livejournal, after all. But I don't believe in martyrdom. And while this might be about belief to you, it's about my life, and I'm not going to accept this as just a difference of opinion. It's a matter of respect; I gave it immediately. If I don't get it back, I'm not going to bend over backward to prove that I'm better than other people. Because I'm not.

[pignacious.livejournal.com]

I think you did exactly the right thing. The woman was old, whatever you said would not have changed her mind, and you helped someone who needed your help. If in the future you ever meet her again and she finds out your orientation, you will be remembered as the nice young worthwhile person who helped her when she needed help and you will have done more to further your cause than any rant could possibly have done.

[february-sea.livejournal.com]

:(

That's the sort of encounter that can bruise your soul.

*hugs you very tenderly*

Love you, babe.

[alsha.livejournal.com]

Teaching-old-lady opportunity aside, it sounds like you got something out of it yourself. I mean, being so concerned about it afterwards shows exactly what the 'same-sex thing' produces - people of good conscience and character. What a crappy thing to happen, though. It's just another of those rocky roads to self-awareness, I guess :p (You live in London ON, don't you? Sounds like old Asian prune should get together with my parents.) In any case, I hope you're feeling better about it all today :)

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

I live in the GTA now, actually. I finished school and all that jazz. :)

[frozen-jelly.livejournal.com]

This breaks my heart.

I had a sorta similar moment today when a reasonably good friend of mine said 'I hate feminists! Look what they've done to the world, there's no respect for women now.' I didn't say anything, which is unlike me, but I was shocked - does she honestly think she would beat the university where we study now if it wasn't for feminists?! Mind boggling.

I don't know what the solution is though really. I hope you manae to regain the happiness you started out with. And you did a good deed - thats always worth something.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

MEH! This is another example of why I should stay in my office and avoid talking to people. :)

[labyris.livejournal.com]

You sure do know how to engender comments, usually a lot! But is this a record? I really appreciated your sharing your experience. Being a lesbian, I have been in similar situations and I decide whether to say something or not based on the individual circumstances. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not, in responding in a thoughtful way, but still expressing my difference of opinion. Sometimes I am so upset or emotional or taken aback, that I become speechless (a rare event indeed, believe me!) Continuing to be the wonderful, helpful, and caring person you are is the only way. Don't let her narrowness and prejudice limit your ability to be who you are.

[ivyblossom.livejournal.com]

But is this a record?

Oh, definitely not. :) This is what happens when you move in fannish circles, don't mind it.

And thank you for your comments. Up and down, up and down...what can you do, right? I guess it will all work out in the end if we keep plugging away at it. ;)

[sheron]

That's pretty sad. I've been in similar situations over other issues. *sends hugs*

[treehavn.livejournal.com]

"Where would you and I be if there had always been same-sex marriage, eh?"

I like to think that as a young woman she would have given in to her passion for the girl next door, had fantastically dirty sex 'til her legs went numb, and afterwards they'd have lived happily ever after. But then I'm an optimist.

[pyoor_excuse]

You've got my sympathy here; working in Healthcare I deal with a lot of 'older people' and I get this a lot (actually, not just from 'older' people); and I never know what to say. Especially because, in my case, I'm in a position of authority (intentionally or not) and lecturing patients on matters of choice, not matters of health, is not really reasonable.

But then, when we had the racist patient who wanted white nurses and was politely informed by our ward manager that he could have me and another nurse from Thailand, or no-one, he shut up and changed his tune...

...and when I got racist abuse from a neighbour, I just called the police (heh, he bought me a guitar, he doesn't know it though :-)

I guess though, like you, exposure of homophobia makes me feel much more vulnerable; maybe because it's not so socially acceptable to be gay, wheras (in the west at least) being coloured/mixed race is something I can expect support from those around me on.

[kirili.livejournal.com]

Hi, sorry if this is out of line or something, I just like reading your fiction.

I helped a (unsuprisingly Asian, since we're in Hong Kong) old lady to the busstop sometime in the past few weeks, but she couldn't speak English much so. yeah. it's a nice feeling.

Pity that woman was a bitch.

I have many relatives like that. Catholic AND Sri Lankan, psft.

Even my usually good PRS teacher said "in my life, I have met few actual homosexuals", which implied that most people were molested gay (told us a story) gay or going through a phase. As if people who aren't gay "properly" aren't gay and people who are bisexual don't count andand. ARGH.

A story of yours that I read today, when Harry molested Draco, the message from those books explains what I mean.